Friday, December 21, 2007

Sometimes I wonder if I have missed out on life in general.

I see so many people happy with the tritest things... A girl in my institution with her stick of bright pink lipstick, a child on the street with a broken plastic cup, an old man laughing with his grandson beside him, the young dude with loud music blaring from his car.... I stand and look at them, I watch them as though they belong to some world beyond my own, watch them as though I'm watching a film. I often find myself failing to understand this happiness, failing to fit in within the general scheme of things. I feel as though I don't belong here. I don't even know where I belong. My inherent coldness and sense of detachment have removed me so completely from everything that is real, everything that is warm and friendly and comforting. And yet, somewhere deep within, I know that I am longing for that very warmth, comfort and happiness that I see.

I never wanted to remove myself from the ordinary life, from my human self. I hardly know what happened, or even how it happened. And sometimes I fear that this really is my true self... cold, unfeeling, indifferent.... Will I never be truly, genuinely, unreservedly happy?